TW: This post mentions an eating disorder and discusses eating disorder recovery.
For the first time since 2012, I fit in all my shorts from last summer. The last five summers have meant starting completely over when it came to my warm weather wardrobe (something I wear 75% of the year here in Austin). I mentioned last week that I’m at my heaviest weight ever, but I seem to finally have plateaued. In a pleasant surprise, it’s allowed me to finally feel comfortable in my body.
One of the things they don’t tell you when you recover from an eating disorder is how much weight you’re likely to gain when you, you know, start eating again. My body has changed so drastically over the last five years that the body I used to have
doesn’t even feel like mine anymore. It took me a long time to stop thinking about that body in terms of something I could have again, or that I even wanted. It wasn’t that it was a “bad” body, but it was a body that existed only in a state of sickness and that’s what had to change.
And change it did. Going from a size 0 to 10 in just a couple of years meant my clothes weren’t fitting anymore by the end of nearly every season, much less the next year. I am so happy to be where I am at a size 10-12 simply because I’ve gotten to know my body and actually enjoy the clothes I wear for more than a few outings. There are so many variable that lead to negative body image, but certainly seeing it change drastically in a relatively short period of time doesn’t help.
I realize this post feels a little heavy, but I thought it was important to share for a couple of reasons. First, to celebrate the fact that I’m loving the body I’m in now, because that’s as powerful a statement as it is a feeling. Second, because, like I said, not a lot of people talk about what happens in the years you spend recovering from disordered eating. If I can be one voice chiming into that conversation, I can hope to help someone feel less alone in their own experience.
Cheers to cute shorts, self-love, and taking care of our bodies!
P.S. See how I wore these shorts three ways last summer here and another black and white summer outfit here!