goals growing up real talk

grown up goal: october

This is a post I’ve been putting off writing since…probably July. Announcing things on an Internet platform can be really awesome because a lot of people see it and are excited and supportive of you, but going back on something you announced is gut-wrenchingly awful. I feel like a failure. I feel like I let my readers down. I feel like people are going to say things like “she just didn’t try hard enough” or “I don’t know why she thought she could do it in the first place” or “geeze, I wonder what she’ll attempt and quit next.” I don’t know who those people are, but the thought of them judging me or saying those things is paralyzing.

I know, this is supposed to be a post about setting goals, not not fulfilling them. I’ll get to that, I promise.
I announced, what seems like a bazillion months ago, that I started a business, Here Comes the Brand. I wanted to help wedding professionals in Austin with their branding and social media. Even as I write this, I think “hey, that sounds like an awesome idea and something that lots of people would be into!” Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. Well, it was an awesome idea. And, honestly, people were into it. They just weren’t hiring me. And I wasn’t doing a very good job of selling myself in the first place.
I’ve mentioned here and there about how going to networking events is really hard for me. Specifically with an industry that’s so small, everyone already knows each other and they just hang out and drink like it’s happy hour, instead of branching out and actually networking. Also, as a non-vendor, no one really knew why I was there. I had to explain my whole spiel instead of just saying “I’m a florist,” like everyone expects. Maybe it sounds like I’m complaining or making excuses, but all of this led me to feel even more broken down and burnt out about my purpose and my abilities. 
In addition to all of that, my anxiety and depression, constantly changing medicines, and looming panic attacks aren’t all that helpful. I try so hard to listen to my body’s needs and do what’s best for me, but this 9 times out of 10 means skipping the networking event for margs with a girlfriend or going on a walk. Networking =/= self-care. As hard as it is to accept, I’m not in a good enough place in my life to be an entrepreneur. What I need right now is stability.
I have so many things I want to do in my life. Turns out, starting my own social media biz isn’t really one of them, nor is it a good stepping stone to get me to any of the things I am really passionate about.
So what’s next? What’s the goal? The reason it’s taken me so long to write this post is because I felt like I had to already have another career endeavor in place before publicly abandoning my last one. Well, I don’t. I’ve been applying for full-time work for months and haven’t heard back from a single job. It’s devastating and so frustrating. I have a degree, a bunch of internships, and valuable work experience. Plus, I write a killer cover letter. So why can’t I seem to get a job?
This month’s goal is sort of three-fold. Is that a thing? It is now.
1. I need to work to forgive myself for deciding to stop pursuing Here Comes the Brand.
2. I need to remember my worth and not settle for less than what I already have.
3. I need to continue to reach for stability.
I love the two jobs I have right now, but they aren’t necessarily stepping stones for what I want to be doing in the future. They also aren’t paying my bills, much less the student loans that I’ve deferred twice this year. I need a job that is better than what I’ve got now in terms of preparing me for later career goals and pay, as well as meeting the same standards of overall happiness. I’m not saying I think there’s a job where I won’t have bad days or be challenged with things that aren’t fun, but I’ve had enough bad jobs to know that being entirely miserable isn’t worth it. I deserve more than that.
The big goal this month is really number three. In order to pursue my future career endeavors (book writing, non profit program founding, etc.), I have to become more stable. I struggle every month to make ends meet, so financial stability is a big one. I also want some greater personal stability in the form of schedule and routine. Running back and forth between two jobs is sometimes the most stressful part about it. I’d be able to eat healthier and take more time for my personal wellness if I had a more steady schedule. I could plan grocery lists and exercise routines based on this schedule. Maybe this is growing up, but stability sounds so appealing to me.

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An hour or so after writing this post last week, I got a call about an interview. I interviewed Thursday and was offered a full time position at my current job on Friday. I am so thankful for this opportunity, both professionally and financially. 

I considered scrapping the above post because it’s no longer relevant, but it has been relevant for so many months and I feel I owe it to my readers to share that part of my journey. I know a lot of my readers are about to graduate/recently graduated and are going through similar motions. Keep taking care of yourself so that when the right position comes along, you nail the interview and get the job!

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