|photo by Dago|
Back in March, I wrote a post about stopping my anxiety and depression medicine, with the support of my doctor, family, Dago, and friends. This was a really big moment for me because I’d been consistently on medicines that weren’t quite working for almost three years. I expected that I would feel more lucid and more confident without the medicine bogging me down and making me feel dependent. For the first couple of weeks, this was the case.
And then the withdrawals kicked in about 28 days after my last pill. The withdrawals have been awful in ways that I didn’t expect. My body and my mind have been battling it out, but neither of them are even bringing their A game to the fight because the withdrawals have shaken them both. I’ve been experiencing pretty extreme heart palpitations, bouts of vertigo, and uncomfortable bloating. I’ve been more emotionally sensitive than I’ve been since before I began anti-depressants back in 2010 and I can’t seem to control my moods. I was at a networking event a couple of weeks ago about leadership and I was so weepy the whole time. Poor Dago can say pretty much anything and I’m offended or sad or irritated–for no reason at all. I’ve been really anxious driving. I haven’t visited my parents because I convinced myself they were mad at me. I’ve been feeling especially bad about my body and about my capabilities as a woman and a blogger and a business owner and a person.
In the meantime, I’ve been surrounded by powerful inspiration and great friends. I want to put my everything into embracing them. I have the most supportive boyfriend anyone could ask for and we’re moving in together in a month. I want to be well for him.
So, this is where I am right now. I want to get back on medicine–definitely something different–and I know I need to make time to talk to someone licensed to help. Money and time are the greatest obstacles in doing this right now, but my wellness has to be the top priority because I can’t thrive at work or in my relationships if I’m not feeling stable and strong.
Sorry this is kind of dark. If I’m going to write about the ups of my mental health journey, I think it’s just as important to share my downs.